last night was the night I had to wear heals for the last time. it was our seniors tribute. prior to my coming, i was having the indecision to go because of peronal and arbitrary reasons. but excuses aside, i chose to go. i thought that maybe it was time i said goodbye to everyone.

after the glitter has gone, looking at my batchmates was a different experience. i was looking at them now as strangers that just have familiar faces. but some very simple things happened last night that i just can’t get it off my head. that’s probably why i couldn’t sleep until it was 3 am. i’ve had the urge to call him, ask him if he felt the same. but instead, i lay there stupidly glaring at the darkness within my room and did nothing. i know myself. and i know that if i did, in 6 months, i’d only hate myself for saying things i didn’t mean. and i was only going to leave him for reasons only clear to me.

but that night, i looked up the stairs and there he was. his smile iluminating the room. so he quickly went down the stairs and gave me a hug and told me i looked beautiful. everything was a blur after that. all i could remember was him sitting at the next table, with his seat facing mine. catching glimpses and smiles. it’s not my thing, but i thought it was sweet. then he was asked to sing onstage. i thought to myself, “yeah anybody can sing.” but inside, i was excited to hear him sing. it was unlike how i used to feel for my ex. this excitement, forced me to stare and sing with the crowd. and i was hoping he’d look at me. and i’ve never had that feeling before, that is, expectation. then, when he didn’t, i felt happy still. i heard something more to him than just his voice. it was an indescribable feeling. i was at ease, yet, i wanted to be near him. it’s a stupid feeling!

then when the party ended, it was the time to take pictures with our teachers. and he kept asking people to take pictures of him and me. it was crazy. but still, i enjoyed it. until he asked me,

“what are you doing after college?”

“i’m leaving for davao”

“to do what?”

” to take up Law. you know. i need to start a new life.”

then he smiled and told me he was leaving. and at half a heart-beat, i went after him. and it was stupid because as soon as i arrived outside, i was disappointed to find him not there. looking around ketkai, not seeing him was like being lost in new york city without a map or tour guide. then he appeared from behind me, held my hand. oh man… that was something different.

then we kept talking on and on. he was worried with how to get home so i gladly offered him a ride. he sat with me and we were talking about alot of things. we came across my friend who is currently having a nervous breakdown. but i stopped dead on my tracks and was reminded of what i do with relationships. i didn’t want to invest feelings there. i don’t want to be disappointed. and i didn’t want to leave him because i know what i do. i know who i am. and i know what i want. and i don’t want to like him, and be so infatuated that i’d forget all my dreams and jump on a bus to where he is. no. i can’t do that anymore.

so i’ll go to Davao, study law… get over this night.

                The music video my group and I have made was probably the most challenging of all. it put to test many friendships, many skills and talents and all of these were put on center stage. I can’t say that it was completely fun and effortless. As I’ve said, it was the most challenging. Yet, out of this experience, we’ve learned to build a community of trust.

                We started meetings everyday just to brief everyone on what to do. That was pretty easy. We decided to divide the group according to individual agenda. One group was assigned to record the song and its accompaniment, the other was assigned to take videos and pictures and all the necessary things for the video. In short, we divided ourselves to the music and the rest to the video. That was the easy part.

                When we arrived at San Jose, we decided to get a glass of water because we had to climb up the hill. We then got started on our individual tasks and separated as groups. The logistics and the creative directors went outside to take videos and the musicians were inside a quiet room so that we could record properly. That was not a problem because San Jose de Mindanao Seminary is, by far, the quietest place on earth.

                Sometimes along the way, we get into small arguments. I as the director would sometimes get into arguments with the assistant director and the creative directors. We would argue about what to do, how to do it and other things. Sometimes, these things become personal and we just don’t get out of it. Sometimes, I am forced to simply swallow my pride and let them do what they want to do. That way, I wouldn’t act like a dictator and they wouldn’t feel like subordinates. Upon letting them do what they thought was right, we ended up with products so unexpected, yet very fruitful. We discovered new talents and skills otherwise would have been closed to us. and that was very exciting.

                Once the videos were done and the recording was finished, we formed into one core group so that the job would be finished. I believed that if there are too many workers for one job, the job would not be finished. So we grouped together the creative directors, the musical director, the production assistant and of course, I was part of that group. We went to Ricky’s house to finish everything. Although on most days, we don’t finish it all in just one sitting. We have to once again divide the tasks and take them as home works. By morning, there is always a progress which is great.

                At first glance, I didn’t do much as a leader. I was fortunate enough to be in a group who were both initiative and talent. There was very little left to do. All I could do as a director was check up on them every now and then with how they were doing and go to the next group. Then, if there were small problems like the camera positioning, then I inserted myself and made a few suggestions which were carefully considered by them as well.

                On certain times, there were elements of pain and exhaustion. Sometimes, I felt that being a leader was emotionally expensive. I had to understand and I had to be understood. I wanted to assert my position as a leader, but I did not. I let them do what their instincts told them to do. And eventually, if they just couldn’t get it right, they would ask me.

                I’ve realized that leading a group is very much like raising a child. I have to be patient and understanding. I have to let people make their own mistakes so that they would learn. And if they succeeded, I have to praise whatever little accomplishments they have made. That way, people would be inspired and encouraged to work harder. I’ve also learned to stop wishing I could be a better leader. I know I’m not. I’m not even a person who does well within a group. But through this activity, I was immersed in a situation where I had to work with a group.

                In Chinese philosophy, I’ve learned that a great leader is someone who lets people think that the success they had was achieved on their own. That way, when the leader is gone, they continue to be progressive and determined. And as I see it now, my group has made progress. I didn’t mind so much on the actual concrete product of our task. I saw something behind everything which was beautiful and amazing. Despite everything we’ve been through, we emerged to be better friends and classmates. We became responsible and initiative and independent.a

ok, so this blog is basically just to get me writing again. i know. it sucks!

anyway. i’m too tired to sleep. one reason is that i have nothing left to do except the elections for the next school year. and that’s basically it. the rest are just side-line things which are not really exasperating as the comprehensives which i just defended.

i set out at the beginning of this semester to aim for a 4.0 gpa. obviously, philosophy is not one of the courses that can give that. let’s face the reality, i’ve literally fallen out of love with philosophy. now what?

what do people usually do when the people they love no longer satisfies or fills the void within? i’m actually at this point where i don’t know what to do after college. there is a plan, sure. Law first, then masters or something like that. but now that i’ve actually fallen out of love with philo, everything else falls out of place. now i have -1 reason to continue with law. but still pursuing it though, that is, because it was in my plan long before i fell in and out of love with this course.

i guess you can say, this topic is stupid and shallow. well, yes it may be. but for me (at least in my opinion), it means something.. or rather, everything.

ps: i’m just really tired. maybe that’s why i sound so boring or negative. LOL.

yes, everybody has a least favorite teacher. and he’s mine. i hate him because of the bitterness that just simply emanates from within him. he comes to class with the same face. all he ever does in class is read from the book, and then explain. if not, he asks us to read from the book. and that’s all we ever do. and if in the end we do not understand, it’s already our problem.

i don’t know what else to talk about him, other than the fact that he used to be a priest. yes, he’s intelligent. i mean, he wouldn’t be a teacher if he wasn’t. the only problem i have with him is his attitude.

people say, he treats me this way because i don’t pay him my respect. of course i won’t! the way he teaches is absurd! and i just hate his attitude and his bigotry. his idea of amusement is an insult and i refuse to laugh at it. yet, there is something more devious within him. it’s his assumption that he is more powerful than anybody.

one time, during our class, he shared a joke with us. and it went something like this;

nun: hello child. what do you want to be when you grow up?

child: i want to be a prostitute

nun: come again?

child: i want to be a prostitute.

the nun hurriedly went to the priest

nun: father, this child wants to be a prostitute

priest: excuse me child, what do you want to be when you grow up?

child: i want to be a prostitute

priest: oh. okay. i thought you said you wanted to be a protestant.

this joke, everybody laughed to. but i could not see what the hell he meant. although it was a joke for him, but it was offensive and stupid. it was not funny at all.

on certain occassions within the department, i actually just sit in one of the cubicles to study. i only do so whenever there are no part-time teachers around. i don’t just sit there to wait or stand-by, i wait there just in case my teacher would like me to do something. earlier today, i sat there for a while, reading intently. then i had to go to the computer to look for something in facebook. he then approached me and asked, “are you an SA?”

shocked, i answered, “no sir. but i’m an SV”. then he says, “oh. because you’re not supposed to be using the cubicles for your own personal use. it’s supposed to be for the part-time teachers. and you’re just a student.”

appalled, i didn’t say a word. it was insulting because Tyron, a fellow student, uses the cubicle all the time also. and he’s not an SA either. but why reprimand me? is there some arbitrary reason that is somehow beyond me? whatever his reason was, any refutation would be useless. he didn’t say anything which destroyed my humanity or humiliate me. it was just simply unfair of him to do so. although people tell me that the solution is to get on his good side, i won’t. saying “hi” to a teacher should not affect my grade. his subjectivity is getting in the way all the time.

oh boy i can’t wait till college is over.

i have kept my own journal everyday in my bag. on some occassions, i write alot about everything going on with my life and all the nihilism brought about by the monotony of school-life. but i’m at this transition point where i’m still in college, and it’s about to end soon.

true enough, the four years of my life had been nothing but life-changing. i can’t imagine a day that i did not learn anything new about myself or the world which i inevitably exist in. at first, the feeling was uninvited and i kept being self-centered. eventually, meeting new people enabled me to be a better me. and i can say that i have changed… ALOT.

but i do recognize the things in me that perhaps will never change. i have the ability to be blind and stupid when i’m mad. i have the ability to win an argument almost all the time. i have the ability to make people feel stupid. and i have the ability to be, in short, a bitch. but don’t get me wrong; i enjoy being one.

they say i haven’t gotten over my past. true enough, maybe i didn’t and probably never will. but one thing is great about never getting over the past. it’s the fact that it reminds you of what not to do and what not to be anymore. it’s not really about who i’ve dated and didn’t have a “happily ever after” ending. it’s really about me making mistakes and my choice to never do it again even if it involves me not engaging in the things i used to do. and i can’t help but say it, but it’s been the best thing i have ever done.

the past is a monster that will eat you alive if you don’t know how to control it. if you let it eat you alive, it will. no matter what we do, the past is a gaping hole that will suck the life out of you. but one thing is great about being human; our ability to change. and i choose not to let my past hinder me from becoming better with my life. i choose to not let it hinder me from becoming who i want to be.

nobody can ever truly forget the past. every memory brings about an emotion. for now, i might feel pain and sorrow. but one day, i will learn to laugh at myself. just as every memory will bring feelings, it will bring realizations and new resolutions. and that’s great. if somebody can do that, they have truly moved on.

i don’t avoid people whom i have had a past with. i just simply erase them from my life. for one reason, they’re simply not worth remembering. second, the moment i say “it’s over”, it means I no longer want to be involved in each other’s lives. and it’s perfectly normal to do that.

it’s not that i never get over my ex. don’t get me wrong. i have had some that are still my friends to this day. some however, chose to become douche-bags. you know the kind of guys who, once you’ve decided to stay friends, keep talking about why you broke up and why it didn’t work out? yeah, they’re like poison. always avoid them. they actually keep you from moving on. and i hate that!

or, you know those guys who make rude remarks once your back is turned? yeah… avoid them too.

wait… why am i talking about this? LOL

back to the topic about transition points.

this is the time for me to stop justifying my acts. i know i’ve changed. and it has begun to manifest itself. i’ve learned to be okay being alone. i’ve learned to be happy with who i am and what i have.

and that’s what moving on is all about. it’s about learning to go on with whatever you have left. whatever was destroyed in the fire, let it go. and later on, you’ll realize that what remained is what is truly essential.

enjoy life. it’s not about what you lost, but it’s about what you choose to make out of what you have left. and i’ve learned to be happy and content.